Rodent Report (Volume 1)

Here ye, Here ye!

It's Pellet and Cheezer on the air! Bringing YOU the latest of rodents! That's right! Here on the new radio station, Rodent Report, you'll hear the hottest rodent songs from the coolest soundtracks, daily (or weekly) news from the smallest city in the world, Rodentia, world of rodents, critters, and the sort. (Really, it's like the size of a human bedroom.) So, well, erm, that's pretty much it. Now, *ahem* Pellet and Cheezer, action!

Cheezer- Good evening lemmings and gentlemice-

Backstage crew- Ladies, gentlemen!!

Cheezer- Oh. Well, whatever. You forget a thing or two when you're a rodent. Okay, newsflash from our reporter, Ears rabbit!

Ears- Goooood evvvvvening! It's Ears here, bringing you the news! Okay, here's our story, umm, no, here it is, *looks through paper pile* Ah, yes, here it is! Now, onward! We are reviewing George the Hamster, award winning author of the new hit, I'm a Hamster, nothing less. So, George, what gave you the inspiration to write this fantastic novel?

George- Well, erm, uh, I wanted to, uh, tell the world that um, hamsters are great. Yeah, that's right.....

Ears- Very, very emotionable. Did you hear that, listeners?

George- No, it's nothing, I only wanted to, to, to, um, to let listeners know that it was a hamster who founded Rodentia. Sir Pellet Von Hamstergold.

Ears- 'Kay, whatever. That was a newsflash from Ears. Back to you, Cheezer.

Cheezer- Thank you, Ears. Now, everyone read I'm a Hamster, nothing less today! Or tomorrow. Or whenever you get to the bookstore or library or something. As our crew fixes up for the next part of the show, please enjoy a musical moment by Rosa and Flinch Guinea Pig. As always, they shall sing the new hit song, Flinch the Psychologist Rat, created with the help of our sponsor, Snickers the Anteater and Co. Hit it, Flinch!

"Flinch is the rat at the psychologist's door,
He's scared of everything, even the floor.
His real name's Asparagus, but he is afraid of that too,
So we usually call him just Flinch.

He is vegetarian, so he won't eat steak,
Since he suffers from frostbite, which makes his paws shake.
Yet he did in his youth make the best meats in the land,
But now he's terrified of flames and of pans.

For he isn't the rat that he was in his prime,
Yet in adventure and cookery his name was as sharp as a lime,
For he was a hero, and a famous cook too,
He'd save a street rat from starving, help a young mouse tie his shoe.

But his grandest adventure, as he loves to tell,
Was beating the leader of weasels, 'till his army fell.

I have cooked, in my time, every possible dish,
And I used to know 70 recipes with fish.
I'd spice it up properly, so it was evenly spread,
Then surprised my best chum with supper in bed.

And I knew how to help,
With my ears and my tail,
With an hour of warm up I never could fail.

I had a pan that would delight, the hardest to feed,
Whether I was the help cook or I took the lead.

Now I scream by the bedside of poor little Nell,
When I thought I was steady I fell off the bell!
And when seasoning was short, my cooking never fell flat,
And I once filled the stomach of Duke Ellington's rat.

But my grandest adventure, as history will tell,
Was when I beat the leader of weasels, 'till his army fell.

Now if someone will give him a pinchful of juice,
He will tell how he once saved a forest of spruce,
After a mouse once saved from a whole pack of cats,
A mountain expert then said the need for a rat.

And I think that these small rats, they are not as trained,
As we were in the days when clouds were white when it rained.
They don't learn what to do when they're faced with a cat,
And all I can say is, "Those lucky small rats!"

And he says as he uses his claws to scratch his fur,
"Well, all the rescues are certainly not what they were."
These modern stories are all very well.
But there's noting to equal from what I hear tell,

That moment of history,
That was none but a mystery,
Beating the leader of weasels,
'Till his army fell."

Cheezer- Welcome back! Let's give the two hardworking Guinea Pigs a round of applouse! Unless, you're listening to this while driving, in which I do not advise taking your hands and mind off the road if you wish to avoid an accident. Anywho, now a word from our sponser, Snickers the Anteater and Co.!

Snickers- Meep meep meep meep, meep meep.

Cheezer- Very nice, Snickers. I'm sure our viewers are delighted by your clear anouncement. Now, onto Pellet with entertainment for tonight!

Pellet- At Ferret Close Theatre, there will be two performances of RATS. If you pefer some cool hip hop music, Cavy Road will be hosting a concert from Cavys, which is playing from their newest CD, Groundhog Days. Plus, The Hamster Opera is showing a performace of Les Mice, and are selling prime front row seats in the middle at half price! Buy them now!!!!! Back to Cheezer.

Cheezer- Quite a selection. I'm hittin' Cavy Road after this, I love Cavys!!! Well, Pat the groundhog has sports news. Over to you, Patricia.

Pat- I'm MALE! So It's PAT! Not PATRICIA!!!! Oh, sorry there, listeners. At Squirrel Square park, the Rodentia Rabbit Feet beat the Stink Skunks 38 to 72. Oh, wait, then the Stink Skunks won. Darn it, I like Rodentia Rabbit Feet. Now to Cheezer.

Cheezer- Well, listeners, all good things must end. Which stinks on ice!!!! Well, goodbye, until next time....

*jazzy ending music*